So I Can Tell Him I Love Him
by TuesdayGirl
Summary: Buffy and Spike...work out their differences


Title: So I can tell him I love him  
  
Author: Evening Star  
  
Spoilers: Through Wrecked  
  
Disclaimer: All belongs to whoever owns Buffy  
  
Dedication: To all those who wrote the fanfiction that inspired me, and the fanfiction that reminds me that there are others out there that believe that a demon and a slayer can fall in love.  
  
Sunnydale hadn't had rain for six weeks. And though they were often subject to strange weather phenomenon's, due to living over the hell mouth, they had never experienced a heat wave that went on for this long, in the dark. Yes, that's right. The sun never set in Sunnydale, mainly because, it hadn't risen for six weeks. That meant constant patrolling for Buffy. Not only were all the local vampires out to grab snacks most of the day, except for the very short time when they did sleep, but vampires from afar had heard about the strange heat wave, and the slayer, and were eager to try their luck against her.  
  
In these strange conditions Buffy walked through the graveyard. She murmured to herself, not even loud enough for a vampire to hear. It was strangely quiet, almost as though the vampires new that something was about to happen. "But what could be that bad that they would not be out feeding?" Buffy asked aloud, not expecting an answer.  
  
"It's gonna' rain." Spike replied casually. He stood a few feet in front of Buffy, his black duster swinging and his eyes narrowing in anger and lust at the sight of the slayer that had stolen his heart.  
  
"Get away from me." Buffy said hotly to Spike, before turning back around, preparing to walk back home, as she noticed the truth in Spike's words.  
  
"You, Summers, are a piece of work." Spike said, causing Buffy to pause, her back still to him.  
  
"So what are you blaming me for this time? Oh, let me guess, because I pulled out your heart, and stomped on it, because you loved me but I could never love you back." Buffy said sarcastically.  
  
"I'm not blaming you for not loving me." Spike said. He paused. "I'm blaming you for being too much of a coward to love me." Buffy turned to see Spike smirking at her victoriously.  
  
"You still think your god's gift. You think that you know me so well. You don't. I belong on earth, with humans. I don't belong loving a monster like yourself." Buffy screamed at him.  
  
"Love?" Spike asked.  
  
"What?" Buffy asked, confused.  
  
"You said you don't belong LOVING a monster-"  
  
"It was an accident. I meant, making love with." Buffy said, cutting Spike off. His smirk turned into a full blown cocky smirk, one that reached his eyes.  
  
"You love me." He said.  
  
"You disgust me." Buffy answered. She was cut off before she could make another snide remark by a flash of lightning and loud clap of thunder immediately following. Buffy and Spike looked up at the sky, as if checking to make sure the thunder and lightning really came from the sky. (Hey, on the hellmouth you never know.) Spike saw Buffy hesitate, it looked as if she was about to break out into tears. Without hesitation he grabbed her hand and pulled her toward Revello Drive and the Summer's house.  
  
They arrived at the house with Buffy looking as though she was in catatonia. She was staring blankly at the door, not making a move to retrieve a key out of her pocket.  
  
"Give me the key love." Spike said sweetly. Buffy, still staring straight ahead reached her hand into her pocket and brought out a gold, shiny key. Spike grabbed it and fumbled for a minute before unlocking the door. He pulled her inside where, for the first time, Buffy spoke. Well, not exactly spoke. What actually happened was Buffy crumpled up and broke out into sobs.  
  
Spike couldn't stand it, seeing her laying there on the cold floor of the parlor, so vulnerable, so weak. He kneeled down and picked her up, walking up the stairs, and laying her on the bed in her room. When she realized that she had been picked up and put down again she opened her eyes, uncurled, and stared up at Spike. Her hazel eyes looked into his deep blue orbs with so much fear.  
  
"What's wrong pet?" Spike asked  
  
"Nothing." Buffy said through sobs, turning her head from Spike's.  
  
"Tell me." Spike said, more gruffly this time.  
  
"I'm confused. Everyone expects me to know what I want. But I don't. So when I act on my emotions, in the morning, I end of wanting something completely different and…" Buffy trailed off, as if for the first time, realizing that she was talking to Spike. "You should go."  
  
"I'm not going back out there. Are you bloody crazy!" Spike said.  
  
"Well you can't stay here. I hate you, remember, and you hate me." Buffy said. Spike heard her heart rate increase in fear, and her voice get higher in anger.  
  
"Why do you push me away. What are you afraid of?" Spike asked, matching Buffy's angry tone.  
  
"Afraid-"  
  
"Yes slayer, afraid. What is it? Me?" Spike asked, pacing in front of Buffy's bed like a lion in a cage.  
  
"Don't flatter yourself." Buffy said with a chuckle. "You can't touch me."  
  
"Are you forgetting who came back wrong love?" Spike asked before realizing what he just said. It was always like this. When he was around Buffy no matter how chivalrous he planned to be, his emotions got the better of him and he acted irrationally, often hurtfully.  
  
"Get out of my house!" Buffy spat angrily, her voice menacingly low.  
  
"Idle threats love." Spike said angrily. However, his tone softened. "Why do you push people away?"  
  
"What do you want Spike. You've had me. I've slept with you. What more do you want?" Buffy asked, new tears forming in her eyes, exasperation in her voice. Spike stopped pacing and stared at her.  
  
"Is that what you think I want, your body?" Spike asked in disbelief.  
  
"It's all anyone seems to want." Buffy answered softly, looking away from Spike's stare.  
  
"I am not everyone." He said angrily. "I am not going to leave you. I'm not your bloody peaches. I don't have a soul to loose. I am not that wanker Parker, I don't do one night stands. And I am NOT captain cardboard. I'm not some freakish demon hunter slash Joe regular. I DON'T LEAVE!" Spike ended his rant, screaming. He had pinned Buffy up against the wall behind her bed. Tears were streaming down her face. He let her go and she slid down the wall, hugging her knees to her chest at the head of the bed.  
  
"What more do you want?" Buffy asked through sobs.  
  
"I want you to love slayer. Me specifically, but I'd settle for anyone."  
  
"I just want to feel." Buffy said.  
  
"You feel now don't you ducks?" Spike asked, concerned. "Not happy, but something."  
  
"But I only feel when I'm around you. Why? Why are you the only one who makes me feel anything? Why am I only happy when I'm near you? Sad, angry, joyful. Why are these only emotions I know when your near me?" Buffy asked, looking up at Spike through tearful eyes.  
  
"I don't know. I didn't ask to fall in love with you. But I did. And because I did I'm going to help you be happy, no matter how many times you push me away." Spike said. He reached his hand up to caress Buffy's cheek. She flinched slightly before relaxing at his touch. "Get changed into your pajamas, I'll fix you something to eat. Then we'll sit and talk." Spike said. "Where's Dawn?" He added as an afterthought.  
  
"At her friends house." Buffy said softly. "And Willow still hasn't come out of her room. At least not while I'm awake."  
  
"I'll meet you downstairs love. Are you OK alone, it's still raining." Spike said. Buffy nodded, smiling slightly. Spike kissed her on the forehead, letting his lips linger for a second before walking out of the room, his duster billowing behind him.  
  
Buffy appeared in the kitchen doorway. Spike was singing Wind Beneath my Wings, with what Buffy thought was too much emotion, and flipping pancakes. Buffy cleared her throat loudly. Spike turned. If he could have blushed his entire face would have been red. Instead he looked around the room, anywhere but at Buffy. When his eyes finally did settle on her he was startled by how beautiful she looked, even before she went to sleep. Buffy wore blue fleece pants and a white tank top. Her golden brown hair cascaded over honey-brown shoulders. Buffy smiled shyly when she caught Spike staring at her.  
  
"You made pancakes." She said.  
  
"Knew you liked them. And look what else." Spike said, pointing to the table. "Hot chocolate and marshmello's." Spike smiled however Buffy broke out into tears. Spike turned off the stove and came over to Buffy. She crumpled into his embrace and rested her head into his shoulder.  
  
"Hold me." She whispered.  
  
"Forever."  
  
They had finished up their pancakes and hot chocolate and sat in an awkward silence on the couch in the living room. Buffy's eyes were red from crying, and Spike could only watch her in awe. As if afraid that touching her would drive her out of his grasp forever. The hours ticked by, neither of them speaking. Spike broke the silence.  
  
"So…you miss her a lot?" Spike asked quietly.  
  
"Who?" Buffy asked, feigning confusion.  
  
"Don't give me that slayer. Your mates may by your excuses but I don't. You don't think I feel the same way about her, and about my own mum."  
  
"It's just…mom always new what to do around the holidays. She knew exactly what to buy everyone, how to decorate the house, how to cook the food. And…I always assumed that we would have Christmas together." Buffy broke out into tears.  
  
"The first Christmas is the hardest." Spike said sympathetically.  
  
"I don't think I'll make it past the first." Buffy said.  
  
"What are you talking about love?" Spike asked, fear taking hold as he realized what she was saying.  
  
"Look at me Spike. Good things happen to me and I won't even accept them. What kind of human am I." Buffy paused to reflect for a moment. "And as you pointed out, I'm not even human." Spike turned Buffy's face to him. He stared into her eyes, through her eyes, and into her soul.  
  
"You are Buffy, a slayer, and an amazing creature. And you may be a demon, or a monster, or…hell, even an angel. But you will still be Buffy." Spike said firmly. "And any wanker who doesn't see that answers to me, you hear?" Spike said. Buffy smiled slightly.  
  
"Sometimes I hate you so much I want to stake you. And others times I don't know how I survive when your away." Buffy said softly.  
  
"Pain doesn't go away love. I don't want you to expect to wake up one morning and feel happy and carefree. But pain lessons, and you find ways to cover it up. And every morning, when you wake up, you say one thing that your waking up for. And then you go through the day, and you think to yourself 'I am living today because of so and so' and that's how you get through." Spike said sincerely. Buffy nodded. She and Spike sat in silence for a moment. Spike turned to say something. However, he noticed that Buffy was fast asleep. Thunder rumbled in the distance and Spike pulled a blanket from behind the couch and draped it over her. He kissed her forehead and moved a stray lock of golden hair behind her ear before laying on the floor and drifting off to sleep himself.  
  
Buffy awoke, not to the sunlight, but to the farmiliar blackness of the never-ending eclipse. Spike awoke as soon as she stirred and smiled up at her as she sat up.  
  
"What are you living for today?" He asked. Buffy stood up and raked a finger through her hair.  
  
"Today I am living so I can get to tonight." Buffy said.  
  
"What's tonight?" Spike asked in genuine curiosity.  
  
"The night I tell Spike that I love him." Buffy answered nonchalantly. Spike smiled, exposing pearly white teeth. He watched in wonder as Buffy peeked out the curtain of the window. It may just have been him, but the eclipse outside seemed to be fading, and he swore that he saw the sun beginning to rise. 


End file.
